I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
