I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
