problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
