I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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