so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
