i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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