Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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