ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
