My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
