Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
