Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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