what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A bitchslap is in order.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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