The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
