so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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