I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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