Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Someone shit on the floor
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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