Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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