a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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