Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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