I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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