Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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