I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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