I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
