i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
