I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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