I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
