i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I need to align my fucking chakras
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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