I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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