Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
