I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
