I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
