capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
