Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
