well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
