I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
