Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
