Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
