We won't sleep together?
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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