I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
