Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize