I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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