It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
