at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
