i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
