she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
