I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
