Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
