First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
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