I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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