eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
