A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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