I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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