My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
