Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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