Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
