to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
