Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize