proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
