May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
