pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
