Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
