i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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